3 Simple Steps To Set Boundaries

 

Have you ever heard that saying, “give someone and inch and they’ll take a mile?

Worse yet, have you ever experienced that?

I know I have.

And I haven’t always handled it in the best way.

When I found people taking advantage of me and my generosity, I often wouldn’t speak up.

I would just tolerate it. (Which made it worse.)

I would hope they would stop doing it. (They didn’t.)

And finally, I would start resenting them which led to feelings of anger and frustration.

Can you relate?

Now, what I should have done, was to set – and maintain – very clear boundaries.

I knowww… no one likes boundaries. They seem impersonal. Frigid. Even rude.

So, let’s look at them from another angle.

Let’s say you’re a shepherd. And your sheep keep wandering too far and getting lost.

Do you just silently hope they will stop or try to drop hints to the sheep about why they need to not wander off?

Do you silently resent the sheep and stop talking to them, hoping they’ll take a hint?

No! You would put up a big fucking fence and go on about your day.

You wouldn’t think twice and would do this to keep your sheep safe.

But when it comes to keeping YOU safe, you have trouble building that fence.

(And a hush falls over the crowd…)

Look….

I know you might not like boundaries but they are super important to becoming SELF Made – even if you worry they might make you might sound rude.

Boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others.

They clearly state what you are and are not available for.

Boundaries require you to put yourSELF first. To be selfish for unselfish reasons.

When you prioritize others, you diminish your own importance. You disregard your own needs. You settle for less than what you deserve.

And haven’t you done enough of that already? 

Plus… Setting boundaries has a silver lining! Studies show that people with strong personal boundaries also have high SELF-esteem.

Why? Because boundaries = SELF respect. And isn’t it time you enjoy more of THAT?

If so, keep reading and I’ll share some simple ways that YOU can set boundaries on your journey to becoming SELF Made – no fence building required.

 

THE BOUNDARY CIRCLE

One of the most important SELF Coaching lessons I’ve ever learned is this…

 You teach people how to treat you.

Let that sink in for a minute.

If you don’t tell people what your boundaries are, they can’t respect them.

AND… When you waver on your boundaries, you’re giving others permission to challenge them.

So, let’s walk through a simple set of steps to help you create boundaries that don’t feel insensitive, selfish, or rude. Ready?

Step 1: Set them.

 Ask yourself…

• What drains my energy, time, and well-being?
• What do I dread?
• What is causing me stress or anxiety?
• What makes me feel safe and calm?
• What kind of things support me?

I love using a simple exercise called The Boundary Circle. Here’s how it works…

Draw a circle and write down everything that drains you and leaves you feeling stressed and anxious OUTSIDE the circle.

Then, write down the things that support you, leaving you feeling safe and calm INSIDE the circle.

The goal is to embrace what’s on the inside and use the circle boundary to keep the other things out.

Step 2: Speak them. 

When communicating boundaries, do so clearly.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. Speak kindly but firmly and be respectful.

You don’t have to explain why you have the boundaries unless you want to.

Some examples of how to share clear boundaries include:

• That’s not a topic I care to discuss. What else could we talk about?
• I appreciate the offer, but my plate is full right now so I will pass.
• The way you are speaking to me feels disrespectful. Please change your tone.
• No thank you, I don’t drink.
• I don’t take meetings on Tuesdays. Would Friday work?
• I’m not available for [Fill in the blank].

Step 3: Keep them. 

Once you set your boundaries, stick to them.

When you don’t, it’s confusing. You’re teaching people that you don’t even respect your boundaries so why should they?

And that’s it! Remember… set them, speak them, keep them!

PS If you want to dive deeper on the topics of boundaries, I love and recommend the book, “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life”

And if you’re an overachiever (hi!), you can grab the journal too!

 

SETTING BOUNDARIES

If setting boundaries still feels like it might be tough for you, I encourage you to think about them as SELF care. Because they are. 

There are three types of boundaries:

1. Physical Boundaries – Physical boundaries help us to determine who may touch us, how, and when.
2. Mental Boundaries – Mental boundaries allow us freedom to have our own thoughts, emotions, and opinions.
   Psst… I love the app, Aura, to manage my mental health and set aside time (aka a boundary) daily to use it!
3. Spiritual Boundaries – Spiritual boundaries help us to deal with needs when it comes to connecting with the environment around us or a higher being if you so choose.

If you’re new to setting boundaries, I would suggest that you create ONE boundary in each of these three areas using the three-step method above … (say it with me) Set them, Speak them, Keep them.

 

STOP WASTING YOUR F*$KING TIME

One of the keys to my success is fiercely protecting my time and setting very clear boundaries around it.

After all, time is money!

That being said, this week I had someone schedule a meeting with me on a day that I’ve intentionally set aside as a “No Meeting Day”.

Now, I could have just gone along with it. I mean… what’s one meeting going to hurt?

But it’s not about the one meeting. It’s about setting and maintaining clear boundaries that protect my energy, mental health, and productivity.

Plus, remember that whole “give someone an inch” thing? If I had agreed to this one meeting, that opens up the door for just one more. And another. And off we go. (Ask me how I know)

I use the program, Stop Wasting Your F*$king Time, that we include as part of the certification programs at ITN and The Modern. Maybe I’ll offer it outside these programs one day. I’m not sure.

But find what works for you and keep it simple to start!