Celebrity Life Coach, Cynthia Garcia
Celebrity Life Coach, Cynthia Garcia
How To Stop Feeling Jealous Of Other Women (In Just 5 Steps)

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@IAMCYNTHIAGARCIA

I’m a small-town girl who grew up in an insanely dysfunctional home. I rewrote my story, achieved success, and now I help other women leaders create a life and business that’s so good they’re jealous of themselves.
  
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I'm Cynthia Garcia

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mENTAL HEALTH

Have you ever wondered how to stop feeling jealous of other women?

What is Jealousy?

Well, it’s complex (as if you didn’t already know that).

According to Psychology Today, “jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation”.

Why Do You Feel Jealousy?

Research has found that there are numerous causes of jealousy. These include:

  • low self-esteem
  • fear of abandonment
  • loneliness
  • and even genetic programming

What are the 5 Steps To Stop Feeling Jealous of Other Women? 

In a perfect world, we would all be motivated by the successful, confident, and beautiful women we meet.

We wouldn’t be intimidated by their success, their looks, their partner, or their life in general.

AND, as you already know, this isn’t a perfect world by any means.

Sometimes instead of being motivated, we get jealous instead.

And you know what? That’s perfectly normal!

But we don’t always think so because we are trained to think that we should compare ourselves to others. That we should compete. That it’s survival of the fittest. (spoiler alert: it’s not)

We’re constantly looking for ways to one-up the competition and be more successful, more beautiful, and more confident.

It’s what we are taught to do.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
― J.R. Ward

Since the history of time, there have been competitions.

A few years ago, I went to Rome and popped by Coliseum. It’s breathtaking, heartbreaking, and spectacular all at the same time.

It was so interesting hearing the history of the battles that took place there – all in an effort to be the best.

But the thing is, it’s not about being better than anyone else, it’s about being better for you.

It’s not about being better than anyone else, it’s about being better for you.

To help you with those feelings of jealousy, I’ve come up with a simple 5-step process you can use to start feeling motivated and focused on your goals rather than your shortcomings.

The 5 Steps To Stop Feeling Jealous of Other Women 

1. Cut yourself some slack.

You will get jealous at times – and it’s OK.

It’s how you choose to respond to that feeling of jealousy that matters. I’ll get into that next, but simply accept the fact that you are human and you will feel emotions – jealously included.

2. Make the conscious decision to not react in a negative way.

The feeling of jealousy is OK. All feelings are totally OK to have.

I believe strongly that we should always feel what we’re feeling because those feelings are messengers.

And I also know that how we choose to react in those moments are key.

You can either choose love or fear.

You can choose to find the flaws in someone you’re jealous of so you can tear them down and feel better about yourself or you can choose to see this as an opportunity to feel into the ways you think are aren’t measuring up and look for specific actions you can take to feel better about those areas of your life.

3. Play the “I Wonder Game”.

Jealousy is simply fear.

So, ask yourself: What am I really afraid of?

Play the “I Wonder Game” and see what comes up for you: When you’re feeling that jealous emotion, where is it that you feel it in your body? Place your attention there and simply ask the question… “I wonder what exactly it is about this other person that I am envious of? What am I afraid of in this moment?”

Related Video: Acceptance: How To Believe You’re Good Enough When You Feel Like You’re Not with Nina Savelle-Rocklin

Perhaps you are jealous of a successful person because you fear that you won’t be as successful and then people – yourself included – will feel you’re a failure.

Or perhaps you see a beautiful woman and you are immediately jealous because you fear that you aren’t beautiful and won’t get as much attention as her.

Perhaps you’re afraid that no one will find YOU beautiful and want to be in a relationship with you or settle down.

You see, we tell all sorts of stories in our head that simply aren’t true. We just have to wonder why we are telling those stories.

So, play the “I Wonder Game” — be open, vulnerable, and honest and really seek to understand the answers that are coming through.

4. Choose to be grateful.

This is a super quick way to shut down jealousy.

Now that you’ve explored where this fear that’s disguised as jealousy is coming from, you can choose to be grateful.

In that moment of suffering where you are feeling less than and like you don’t measure up, if you can have gratitude for all the amazing things you are, have, and do, you won’t feel threatened by someone else.

There will simply be no reason to be.

You will be thankful for all the blessings you have in your life at this moment instead of seeking more.

5. Know that nobody is free of struggle.

Finally, please know that no one – no matter how perfect their life looks on the outside or how pulled together their life looks on social media – is free of struggle.

So, you may be jealous of them or envy them for certain reasons while they would do the same with you!

Perhaps you’re jealous of that woman who is completely pulled together first thing in the morning at the coffee shop while you’re just lucky to be fully dressed after a morning of wrangling the kids, getting them breakfast, signing that last-minute permission slip, and finally sending them off to school.

But maybe what you DON’T know is that perfectly pulled together woman struggled for years to have children only to find out that she couldn’t and as much as she seems to have it all together, she would trade places with you in an instant.

We can never fully know each other’s stories and we don’t have to. We only have to accept responsibility for who we are and the choices we make each day.

Want More Where This Came From?

This post was written in response to an audience Q&A for the What You’re REALLY Hungry For episode, Acceptance: How To Believe You’re Good Enough When You Feel Like You’re Not with Nina Savelle-Rocklin. If you want to listen to the entire Q&A with even more content you’ll love, click here or the button below!

Listen in iTunes!

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  1. Sonja helped with German to English translation.

  2. Annon says:

    I am a 44 year old woman that is struggling with that feeling of being past my prime. Although, I don’t feel “old”, I am insecure about my age and my looks. On one hand I was picked on for my looks and on the other, I was praised for it. In the middle was me, feeling inadequate. I still feel inadequate and sit back and judge myself for not being as pretty as the younger women (or women my age), as successful as ANY woman I know and I do not feel desirable AT ALL. In all honesty, I want to feel great about myself and I need help.

    • Cynthia Pasquella says:

      Thank you for sharing your story, Annon! I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. It can be so easy to feel helpless and hopeless in difficult times, but try your best to take care of YOU and focus on the things that bring you joy. Take time to pay attention to those negative thoughts, acknowledge them but begin to replace them with loving thoughts. Even though this may seem hard right away, I promise it gets easier with time, patience, and self-love. You’re amazing and you’re worth it. Sending only love!

    • Emma says:

      I’ve not been in a lot of relationships. In fact, I’m only in my second and I’m 23 years old. My first one was in highschool, 6 months, whatever. This one, my significant other and I have been together for nearly 6 years? However, we met online and talked for the first 3 and have been living together the last 3. He’s usually a friendly guy towards people and is quick to make friends, moreso with the females. I try not to get jealous, but my head always thinks the worst and I try to get over it but I end up making things worst by bothering him and asking for reassurance, straight up. He usually has one close female friend outside of me that I don’t really know or talk to because I don’t get to see them. Usually coworkers. But they seem to get close to the point where they’re texting every day, but he deletes the messages they exchange. Every once in awhile, they’ll call each other up usually when I’m not around. They’re coworkers and have questions. But I feel as though he deletes the past messages and/or calls because he knows I go on his phone. I’m insecure, but we have a baby together and another one on the way. I just don’t know how to tell myself that it’s going to be okay, or else I stay up all night wondering the depths of my mind of “What-Ifs.” He doesn’t introduce me to them, and even if he did, I still feel as though it would still just be as messy in the back of my head. Im not good at making friends, so I try my best not to interfere with his friends because I know people should have their own. I don’t know what they talk about, and sure, he comes home to me every night but what happens during the day or when I’m asleep? I don’t know, and I’m so insecure that I feel like I HAVE to check his phone and I really wish I didn’t have to. I want to trust him, he’s never hurt me before (as far as I am aware) but I can’t help but worry why these friends are so important in life to him. Why they have to be so close and secret sometimes.

  3. Amber lee says:

    I have always had low self esteem for as long as I can remember. I am instantly jealous of another woman who is more gorgeous than I am, and that jealousy shows with my reaction. My best friend visited me. She has the perfect body and when she dresses up, boys would turn their heads and she gets all the attention. I am ashamed to admit that when she was around me and my man, I was instantly jealous of her. I thought my man looked at her and found her attractive. I was cold towards her, I ignored her and said little or no words to her through out her stay. I am so ashamed of myself for feeling this way. Is it possible for me to get better? I hate myself and those feelings of Jealosuy. I have been jeoulous of every single woman that comes in my life that seem prettier than me.

    • Cynthia Pasquella says:

      Hi Amber! Thank you for being open and honest about how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. While it may take some time to shift your knee jerk reaction, it is possible. You are a wonderful person and so many people love you. You are amazing in so many of your individual ways and it’s important to remember that! One way to begin to change your mindset to see yourself in those women you feel jealousy towards. See them as a mirror of yourself — all of their beauty if reflected back at you! Also, remind yourself that we are all one. When you are hurtful to others (and let that jealousy win), you are only hurting yourself. Work with these thoughts and overtime you will start to see a shift. Recognize you’re beautiful too — because you are. All my love!

  4. Effy says:

    I’m struggling so bad with jealousy and low self esteem, it’s killing me inside and no matter how hard i try to change my thoughts and reactions nothing seems to make a difference. I’m so ashamed of myself for feeling like this, I’m 32 and still struggle in relationships because i can’t even watch films or tc programmes with beautiful/naked/half naked woman in as i automatically panic and think my boyfriend likes what he sees and prefers that to me. It makes me feel small and ugly and i’m so embarrassed to admit this. He gets incredibly frustrated with me (understandably) and tries to reassure me that he’s not interested, it doesn’t phase him, it’s all the same etc etc. I just can’t seem to shake this. It’s making me so ill and i’m not the person i want to be. I desperately need help but i don’t know what to do.

    • Cynthia Pasquella says:

      Hey Effy! Thank you for your strength to share this. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for — I can tell. The first step is to bring awareness to this and understand that it’s causing you pain, which you’ve done. Next, you must begin to retrain those thoughts. Try writing out affirmations about yourself — ones that don’t necessarily feel comfortable (right now!). Such as: I am beautiful, I am confident, I am loveable. Repeat these DAILY! When you have these feelings, remind yourself that what we often see is a reflection of us. So when you think, “Wow, she’s so beautiful!” or any thoughts like this, let it soak into you! YOU are beautiful, and that is why you recognized that in another woman. There’s is plenty of room for all women to be beautiful, confident, and loved by their significant others. Hold space for that! All my love!

  5. Julie says:

    You have no idea as to what jealousy is until you get to be in your 50’s and beyond. Wait until your guy can’t take his eyes off the 20 something sitting in the next booth or off the image in the movie or TV show you’re both watching. Wait until you know that it’s not you who they envision when their eyes are closed during sex. Especially when there’s no way you can compete with anyone 10, 20, 30, or more years younger than you. Your mind feels like you can, but then you look in a mirror and you have to come back to reality. Go thru all that and then get back to me on how jealousy affects you.

  6. Kim says:

    I’m so jealous my husband and I have been together 16 years married for 3 he has a high paid job and works away a lot he works with a team of 5 woman and I get jealous he will find the attractive because they are smart beautiful etc, he always says I question his integrity when I get jealous and throw accusations, I can’t help it
    Please help

  7. […] Displaying jealousy of other women. When you display these behaviors, a guy feels he's got you in the palm of his […]

  8. Norma Saldivar says:

    I am a very jealous person when it comes to other women. I feel ugly, fat, and horrible fights break out when my boyfriend stares at a beautiful woman from head to toe. He says he’s not doing anything, that he can’t not look, he’s human but assures me it’s nothing, but it totally changes my whole mood. I have tried to stop and not ruin the moment but it hurts so bad and makes me want to cry. He instantly knows something is wrong. I am not fat, I weigh 130 and I’m 5′ and dont consider myself ugly, but my self esteem is so low. It’s so hard to stop being so jealous. I hate it.

  9. Alice says:

    Hello. Thank you for your great article. Well I have married a great man who belongs in an upper class and who never made feel insecure or inadequate but somehow I just can’t stop feeling this way.
    His lady cousins are walking around with designer outfits, handbags,shoes. They have great manners and everywhere they go people are always keen on talking with them and I just can’t stop feeling very very bad. Even though I am highly educated I do lack the social skills. I do walk around being almost invisible and that hurts me! There is one particular cousin of his who seem to have everything even though she doesn’t but I just can’t stop comparing my self to her. She seems so perfect, She acts perfectly things that drive other people mad seem not to touch her. There is another cousin of his that I do admire but her I just can’t stop comparing my self with her. I wish I could get over it some day but when I seem to make progress another gathering is planned and sends me back to where I started. My husband of course says i am silly but that is what husbands do

  10. Anon says:

    Thank you, Cynthia. I appreciate your article and that you chose to speak about a theme that is not usually spoken about but affects people in different ways. I just got back from the gym and noticed the many women of the kind of appearance phenotype, including hair colour, shape etc that has been seen as an ideal since the little boys in my primary school went mad for that. They also happen to wear tight leggings with sports bras and it has often left me wondering why a person would want to wear something referred to as a “bra”- underwear in public while jumping and lunging around. It is interesting that men do not dress this way to the same degree as it is still largely seen as something women should do. Even men from my background, where women are not of this appearance, are attracted like magnets. Some guys argue that this is normal to lust, but I wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and women had a way of hitting on men as much as they do- same kinds of men. I come from a home that was broken up when my Dad had multiple affairs and then took our home from beneath our feet when it was not necessary. I am praying this through as I do not wish to feel this way. You are right about fears. One fear I have had is that I would get married to someone who desires the same things. I don’t believe these women are better than me but I believe many people do. It is based on social conditioning and if this must define my relationship with a man, then it’s the single life for me!

  11. Aruna Mallick says:

    Thank you so much for sharing the information. Really appreciated for explaining your experience. Thanks

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